A Quick Thought: The F-Up Agreement

So as I’m sure I’ve mentioned once or twice, I do psychology/sexuality research at an internship in NYC. In my internship, I work with and interview the participants in the studies. The other day, I called in one of my supervisors to do her part in the interview and, during her segment, she brought up something that I just have to share with you.

So the concept that my supervisor (let’s call her Sally) brought up is called, “The F-up Agreement”. This agreement applies to individuals in committed relationships who decide that they do not want to use protection (condoms, dental dams, etc) in their relationship anymore and want to become “fluid-bonded” (i.e. have sex without condoms, dental dams, etc). “The F-up Agreement” has two parts. Part one is the agreement that they won’t use protection in their relationship, but if and/or when they have sex with people outside of the relationship, they will use protection. Part two of the agreement states that if one partner “f’s up” and has sex outside of the relationship without protection, they can ask to use protection in the relationship with their primary partner(s) with no questions asked.

Now, I love this agreement. Sexuality researchers and therapists are realistic. As awesome as it would be for everyone to use protection all the time for the rest of their lives, we all know that’s not going to happen. And realistically, no one in a committed relationship wants to use protection for the rest of their lives. It’s understandable. I just want people to be as healthy and safe as possible and to understand/be aware of the risks. This theory is both realistic and risk-aware. One thing I’ve noticed over and over again in sexuality research is how hard it is for people to talk about safe sex and STIs in relationships, both committed and casual. Lots of assumptions are made, but, in many cases, no actual conversations are had. For instance, I know of one man who contracted HIV, but did not do intravenous drugs and was in one committed relationship for years. How did he get HIV? His partner had contracted HIV and never told him because the partner was afraid that he would leave him. It’s easy to judge the partner, but everyone who has been in sexual relationship knows how difficult and “unsexy” it is to bring up STIs. I think this agreement allows for sexual safety without the 'awkwardness' that everyone is afraid of. Now, I know “The F-up Agreement” involves a lot of trust and maturity. I’m sure the temptation to ask your partner exactly why they suddenly want to use protection would be very strong. However, you have to respect the fact that your partner cares enough about you that they would ask to use protection in the first place. And interrogating your partner would put a strain on the relationship and, if a “f-up” happens again in the future, the partner might not say anything anymore. This agreement is about the greater good of the relationship and the sexual health of everyone involved. It’s about trust and responsibility. And honestly, if you don’t trust someone enough to take care of their own sexual health and, indirectly, yours, then maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them. Just a thought.