What is an orgasm? Many people would describe an orgasm as the highpoint of sex. Others may even describe it as the only reason to have sex. In nearly every sex scene in mainstream movies and in nearly every porn, sex (and more specifically, sexual intercourse) is not portrayed without someone having an orgasm. And let’s not forget the women’s magazines that always seem to have the next new trick to giving and/or receiving mind-blowing orgasms. But I wonder: Are orgasms really the end all, be all of sex? And is this intense focus on orgasms by the media and by individuals doing more harm than good?
I guess I should preface this by saying I do not have anything against orgasms. The last thing I want someone to do is walk away from this post, thinking I hate orgasms or something. I don’t. However, I do think that this tendency to perceive the orgasm as the most important part of sex is damaging to everyone’s collective sexuality. This ideal alienates individuals who have trouble having orgasms or whose orgasms do not feel like the fireworks that others describe. It also puts pressure on people to have an orgasm every single time one has sex. What if you don’t or what if your partner doesn’t? What happens then? Also it renders the other moments of the sexual experience invisible. If someone does not have an orgasm during sexual activity with a partner, does the sex automatically become bad sex?
To start, I want to go into a little history and theory regarding orgasms. It’s pretty much common knowledge that orgasms (and in particular, women having orgasms and enjoying sex in general, for that matter) were a taboo subject in the Victorian Era. This began to change in the twentieth century. In the article, “Social Representations of Female Orgasm,” Maya Lavie-Ajayi and Hélène Joffe discuss the work of three prominent figures in twentieth century sexuality research: Alfred Kinsey, William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson. Kinsey, in his famous studies on human sexual behavior, described orgasms “as the peak of the human sexual response cycle (99)”. Masters and Johnson agreed, situating the orgasm as in the peak of their model of the human sexual response cycle. Their model consists of four phases: Excitement, Plateau, Orgasm and Resolution (Potts, 61). In the excitement phase, the body responds physiologically to sexual stimuli (The individual starts to get “turned on”). This feeling continues to build, reaching a plateau: a point in which sexual feelings/responses no longer increase, but stay at its current high point. This is followed by the orgasm, the famed intense sexual release, and the resolution, which is the body returning to its previous state before it was sexually stimulated. This model is seen as both the ideal sexual experience and the standard sexual behavior for everyone. Not only are orgasms depicted as a necessary part of a healthy and normal sexuality, they are also seen as a primary way to achieve sexual independence. This perspective is especially clear in the analysis of women’s magazines in the Lavie-Ajayi/Joffe article. Women’s magazines tend to depict achieving an orgasm, and, in particular, women achieving orgasms as “taking charge of their sexuality” (101). This view is a clear retaliation against Victorian views that devalue and problematize orgasms (female orgasms more specifically). Orgasms become a sexual right that one must have or they are sexually incomplete, unable to truly get in touch with their sexual selves.
As a result of these modern theories of sexuality, orgasms came to be seen as a natural and necessary (almost obligatory) part of one’s own sexuality. The orgasm became a sexual right to be demanded during every sexual encounter. On one hand, the seizing and owning of one’s sexual pleasure is a beautiful thing. Getting to know one’s body and exploring it is also a beautiful thing. However, seeking orgasms like a scavenger hunt might not be so beautiful in my opinion. What happens to the person who is constantly seeking orgasms, but cannot find them? The gut reaction for most people is to label this a problem. When orgasms become naturalized, as Annie Potts discusses in her article, “Coming, Coming, Gone: A Feminist Deconstruction of Heterosexual Orgasm,” it “comes to be the sign of sexual competence and well-being in medical discourse” (57). The ability to have orgasms is associated with good sexual and psychological health and when someone cannot have orgasms or does not have them frequently, it is decided that something must be wrong with them. This common belief does not have a positive impact on those now seen as “dysfunctional”. As Lavie-Ajayi and Joffe state, “Those experiencing themselves as having problems with orgasm, in particular, find that their efforts to have orgasms leaves them feeling pressurized and with feelings of failure, inadequacy, embarrassment and frustration” (102). If having an orgasm is the way to take charge of one’s sexuality, then what does this mean for those who have trouble experiencing one? Are they unable to take charge of their sexuality? Are they sexually incomplete in some way? Or is it possible to be sexually whole person without orgasms? And what about individuals who do not experience the type of explosive orgasm as described in the orgasm script? They would also feel inadequate in comparison. There are so many biomedical research studies and so many pills and procedures that are trying to fix the “problem” of “orgasmic disorder”. But I have come to question whether or not this is actually a problem. To clarify, I am not referring to a scenario in which someone does not enjoy the sexual experience at all. I am referring to a situation in which an individual experiences pleasure during sex, but does not orgasm. Using Masters and Johnson’s model as an example: what if an individual experienced the excitement and plateau phases and then went right into resolution? Would that really be so terrible? Remember, the plateau is supposed to be the point in which an individual experiences a large amount of sexual pleasure. Objectively, what can be so wrong about feeling a steady amount of intense sexual pleasure? Also the experience of trying to have an orgasm and failing can cause anxiety in sexual situations. The person can be so focused on whether or not they are going to orgasm that the anxiety could make it difficult for them stay sexually aroused. This can lead to a cycle of disappointment and frustration. This orgasm ideal can also put pressure on individuals who consider themselves to be “normal”. Most people do not have an orgasm every single time they have sex. Maybe it is because they are tired that day or just are not in the mood for one reason or another. Maybe it is just physically unlikely to have an orgasm every single time one has a sexual encounter. But the expectation is that every individual must/should orgasm every time they have sex. No one wants to be seen as dysfunctional, of course. Everyone is obligated to orgasm and everyone is obligated to make sure their partner orgasms. So, as a result of this expectation, when a person does not orgasm, it becomes an individual and an interpersonal issue. The partner wonders if it was something they did or didn’t do. The individual may blame their partners or themselves, wondering if something is wrong with them.
Most people do not want to experience this kind of scenario. So what do they do? Many people fake it. In their article, “Men’s and Women’s Reports of Pretending Orgasm,” Charlene L. Muehlenhard and Sheena K. Shippee discuss some of the reasons why an individual might pretend to orgasm during sex. Common reasons why an individual might pretend to orgasm during sex is to avoid “being interrogated by their partner, […] having their partner think that there was something wrong with them; and protecting their partner from feeling inadequate, hurt, or unattractive” (553). Another common reason why an individual might pretend to orgasm is when they realize that their partner is about to have an orgasm so they fake an orgasm to avoid a potentially awkward scenario. The most common reason why an individual would pretend to orgasm (and, to me, the most striking) is they believe that having orgasm is unlikely or is taking too long and that […] they wanted sex to end” due to tiredness or no longer being in the mood (560). The idea that everyone must have an orgasm every single time they have sex in order to be normal and sexually independent leads to inability to truly communicate with partners regarding their orgasms (or lack of). Even something so seemingly small as wanting the sex to end somehow requires theatrics. The fact that it seems easier to pretend to orgasm rather than to talk to one’s partner or to even conceive of a sexual reality in which the orgasm does not rule all disturbs me. There has to be an easier way.
Once again, I should clarify: I am not saying that no one should try to have an orgasm or that wanting to experience orgasms is a bad thing. What I am saying is that this orgasm-focused sexuality seems to not be wholly positive or realistic. This drive to orgasm is similar to a race. Many people seem to be in such a hurry to get to the finish line that everything else around them is ignored. The journey is disregarded in favor of the end. And since most people do not orgasm every single time they have sex, what do those other sexual encounters become? A waste of time? Bad sex? And for the instances when people do not orgasm, many would rather fake it or lie when the dreaded question (“Um, so did you…?”) is asked. Wouldn’t be easier to have a more realistic view of sex and the sexual interactions one has with their partners? Would it be so wrong to just enjoy the pleasures of sex without expecting anything? I would imagine the perfect sex (whether by yourself, i.e. masturbation, or with others) to be one in which every moment of pleasure is savored. Instead of thinking about a potential future orgasm, which may cause anxiety for some people, one would focus on the many ways to experience and give pleasure during the act of sex itself. The orgasm ideal is just another way to fit every individual into a certain script of how things are “supposed” to be. How would the act of sex change on a macro level if the focus was taken away from the orgasm itself and directed towards increasing general pleasure and focusing on the other moments of sex? Maybe it would be easier to become more in tune with what gives pleasure to the self and to one’s partners. At least it would no longer be necessary to lie to one’s partner if an individual does not have an orgasm, nor would not having an orgasm be such a huge deal. And any related guilt would at least decrease. Again, orgasms are awesome and great. But maybe it should be the icing on top of the cake and not the raison d’être?
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